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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26004802">something valuable</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/irlkami/pseuds/irlkami'>irlkami</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Post-Timeskip | War Phase (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), Sad Sylvain Jose Gautier, Soft Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Suicide Attempt, chase made me do this blame them</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 02:15:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,297</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26004802</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/irlkami/pseuds/irlkami</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Gronder Field was brutal. Sylvain doesn't value his life anymore.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>46</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>something valuable</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hey!! its syl again<br/>this took me so LONG and I'm tired as shit<br/>but TW!! sylvain doesn't actually commit suicide but he tries<br/>please don't read if you're triggered by suicide attempts!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The unforgiving sea swirled below his feet. The Harpstring Moon's biting wind chilled the man to the bone, his breath rattling and raw against his throat. Sylvain Jose Gautier's heart hammered furiously against his chest, struggling desperately as he stood over the cliff.<br/><br/>The battle at Gronder was brutal. So many friends he used to go to the Academy with, slaughtered beneath his feet. Bernadetta's shrieks as she fell to Ashe's volley, sinking below Edelgard's unforgiving flames. Raphael's desperate plea for Claude to take care of his sister in his dying breath, Sylvain's lance impaled through his chest. There was so much <em>blood.</em> It sickened him before, but this... this was new.<br/><br/>Sylvain couldn't handle it any longer. The voice in his head grew louder and louder and <em>louder</em> and it wouldn't shut up, shut up, his nightmares getting increasingly twisted and horrifying. He's handled so much. Sylvain has been through so much, but he was at a breaking point. He didn't have any value for his life. It was meaningless to him. It was meaningless to others. He was just another soldier to join the ranks of the dead.<br/><br/>He couldn't take it. His throat constricted. The water below roared. Sylvain closed his eyes. He stepped forward. Wind swirled around him, clogging his ears, so all he could hear was his own struggling heart, slamming against his ribs as he prepared to slip into the beyond.<br/><br/>Another step forwards. Glass shattered in his brain. Felix's face flashed in front of him.<br/><br/>Sylvain's legs froze, shaking. <em>Felix.</em><br/><br/><em>Felix, whom was beside him through everything. Felix, who loved him with his entirety, who let down his guard around Sylvain and Sylvain alone, smoothed out his rough edges and offered himself to Sylvain. Felix, who he promised to die with. <br/><br/>Dimitri, with his kind heart, who reached out to Sylvain in their academy days, who came to him after Gronder and apologized to him. Ingrid, who stayed by him even through Sylvain's actions, cleaning up his messes that he left. Ashe, with his bright eyes and cheerful voice, who shared his stories of knighthood with him, who was so dedicated to being a symbol of justice it inspired everyone around him. Mercedes and Annette, with their kind words and warm hands, fresh sweets in their arms, cheerful songs to lighten the mood in the worst moments. Dedue, whom Sylvain trusted, whom he reached out to despite the former being a man of Duscur.</em><br/><br/><em>The professor, who lead them with fierce command, the Ashen Demon. </em><br/><br/>They all flashed in front of him. Their voices flooded his brain, and Sylvain stumbled back, collapsing against the ground. Dry, heaving sobs ripped through his throat and he wails, screaming into the endless ocean. His hands clutched at the mess that was his hair, pulling, tugging, just to <em>feel</em>.<br/><br/>Everything hurt. His body, his mind, his chest, his head, his hands, his legs, his arms, his heart. They all ached for the people alive, and the people beyond.<br/><br/><br/>                                                                                                                         ***<br/><br/>Sylvain had been acting strange ever since Gronder Field. Glassy eyes, dead expressions when he thought no one was looking, plastering an empty smile onto his face when there were eyes on him. Felix was worried, though he never showed it. He was never one to bare his emotions.<br/><br/>Though... today he hadn't seen Sylvain. He wasn't in the dining hall, nor the greenhouse, or the marketplace, or even the stables, looking after his wyvern. As much as Felix didn't like to admit it, dread sat over his shoulders. <br/><br/>Letting out a quiet sigh, Felix rises from his seat in the library, shutting the book he was reading. Plegian sword techniques... they were most known for their advanced dark magic, something more in line with Lysithea's expertise, but their swordsmanship was impeccable. Leaving the dark book on the table, he leaves the library, walking quietly back to his room.<br/><br/>Felix stops as his door, his hand on the doorknob when he hears footsteps to his right. Turning to look who it was, the dread he hadn't even noticed was there lifts, breathing easier. <br/><br/>"The hell have you been??" He snaps at a disheveled looking Sylvain, his amber eyes narrowing in suspicion. Anger rose in his chest when Sylvain said nothing, trying to push past the smaller man. Felix sneers, grabbing the lancer by the shoulders.<br/><br/>"Sylvain-" Felix starts again, his grip tightening on Sylvain as he tries to shove the swordsman off, making the former turn towards him so he could look into his face. Sylvain's eyes were puffy and red, and his cheeks stained with silver tears. There was a pang, and a lump formed in Felix's throat. "Syl." His tone was softer now, his hold loosening. "Where were you?"<br/><br/>"Out. I'm fine, Felix, I needed a breather, alright?" The redhead offers one of his fake smiles, and it <em>enraged </em>him. Felix glares at him, grabbing the sides of his face and pulling Sylvain down. <br/><br/>"I know that's bullshit. I see through you, Sylvain. You're not fine, as you like to say. You look like shit." Sylvain's lips purse at that, and Felix lets him go. Silence grows between them. <br/><br/>5 beats of silence. It only breaks with the sound of Sylvain letting out a defeated sigh, opening the door to Felix's room. Felix observes the taller man, his eyes narrowed still. They flickered over Sylvain's form, on his disheveled hair, on his wobbly legs, on his trembling hands that he clutched into tight fists. Felix quietly places his hands on Sylvain's shoulders, easing him down onto the bed, standing between his legs. A hand reached to his cheek, wiping away the residue of tears still on the copper-head's face, another on his nape.  <br/><br/>Goddess, Sylvain looked about ready to shatter. Felix breathes in deeply to keep his own thoughts and emotions underneath, settling his expression to something softer than his usual scowl. Felix opens his mouth to speak, but the words out of Sylvain's mouth seemed to have punched the air out of his lungs.<br/><br/>"The cliff near the monastery. That's were I was. Ready to jump." Sylvain's voice shook so goddamn <em>hard,</em> his knuckles white as he curls his fists tighter.<br/><br/><em>Jump. He was ready to jump. Into an abyss, into a terrifyingly cold ocean, to die. Sylvain was ready to die.</em><br/><br/>Cold dread settled on Felix's lungs, the hand playing with the hairs on the back of the lancer's neck stilled.  Felix was shaking. He didn't like the way he shook, the way his amber eyes widened with fear.<br/><br/>"D... Are you serious?? Syl, you're telling me you were ready to jump, to throw everything away, to die, to leave everyone else behind to fight this goddamn war???" Felix's voice cracks. Sylvain looks away, his expression numb. It only made Felix angrier.<br/><br/>"Sylvain, do you really think your death is going to solve anything? Do you think your death would have a <em>positive </em>impact??" Felix couldn't help but yell.  "Do you think you're just another fucking soldier in this damn war?? No!! You're not!! You're fucking valuable, you're something our army looks up to, Syl, you're not a disposable fucking object!!" Tears started to run down his face, and Felix broke off, his chest shaking as he breathed.<br/><br/>As Felix gazed into Sylvain's face, he only cried more, his hands moving to cup the sides of his face. "S-Syl. <strong>I </strong>think you're something valuable."<br/><br/>Sylvain's arms found their place around Felix's waist, and Felix's settled around his shoulders, his hands gently carding through his hair. He pressed Sylvain gently against him, bending down to place his nose against the crown of Sylvain's head. Felix clutched him tightly when the previously silent room filled with their sobs. <br/><br/>Sylvain held on just as tight.<br/> </p>
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